Random Bits 16
by Nashiil
Summary: Updated! A Mixing accident lands Auron in a sordid situation. Now, it's off to Mt. Gagazette's Potion Master for a cure...
1. Chapter 1

For all of you who read the first posting and were disappointed: I'm sorry (grovels)! I have reposted this Random Bit, and I hope it's up to par. Let me know how I did! Enjoy!

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Random Bits 16 - Chapter 1

**Moonflow**- North Bank Road - Not far from Guadosalam.

"Not again!" Yuna whimpered as Bahamut's Mega Flare fizzled out with a pathetic 'fssss!' and a wisp of smoke.

"Why does that keep happening?" she demanded as the Aeon dodged the Ochu's attack. It had been happening a lot lately, Yuna reflected. Poor Bahamut just couldn't seem to get his Mega Flare up when he needed to. She had heard, in various whispered conversations between her male Guardians, that it was probably some sort of 'performance' problem. Whatever that meant.

Although she liked to think that her companions' thoughts were pure, Yuna had the deep, disturbing inkling that 'performance' was some kind of innuendo. Especially since it was immediately followed by sniggers, and by the way that you could practically hear the quotation marks (which are quite hard to do verbally and is only achievable by the really dirty-minded).

"Maybe it's a reptile dysfunction?" Rikku ventured from the sidelines.

The Al Bhed teen waited expectantly (insert classic humorous drum sequence). Because the gods like a joke as much as the next divine entity ,a man in a red pin-stripe jacket and a straw hat popped out of the bushes and honked a small horn in a humorous fashion. "'A Reptile Dysfunction'. Anyone? No?" Rikku's fellow Guardians watched her politely as the punch line fluttered forlornly in the air, unable to find a receptive mind. The horn honked encouragingly, but to no effect. "Guess not." Rikku muttered, giving up. The man's shoulders sagged in defeat and he disappeared back into the bushes.

Bahamut finished off the plant fiend with a few solid punches and hovered over to his Summoner. He landed and gave her an embarrassed look while twisting the end of his tail in his claws. Yuna quickly Dismissed him to save the poor creature further humiliation.

"Everyone okay?" she called, turning to her Guardians.

"What _was_ that? Some kind of Super Ochu?" Wakka grumbled, pulling out a Hi-potion.

"I think we are all fine, except Auron." Lulu said, jerking her head to where the older Guardian was staggering around after Tidus, sword carving unsteady figure eights in the air. "He's a little Confused."

Yuna looked over as Tidus ran towards his companions, Auron bellowing behind him. Everyone has heard the saying 'Safety in Numbers', and in nature greater numbers offers security. This is not because your group will protect you, it's because the more of you there are in a group, the less chance _you_ have of being picked off. This is why college students step out into traffic in a large mob. Drivers aren't usually willing to run through a large herd of people and risk damaging their car, or having the survivors point them out to authorities. They are more likely to run though the stragglers, or those who decide to cross on their own. The fewer there are the easier it is to pick off the survivors who might turn them in.

The other thing about Safety in Numbers is that if you have Danger chasing you, the Numbers aren't going to stick around. Tidus found this out as he tried to return to the safety of the group. His companions scattered as they dodged the unsteadily swinging blade, little white numbers floating into the air on the occasions when Auron missed his target and hit himself. Tidus looked around wildly, arms and legs twitching as they tried to pull him in five separate directions at once before running off blindly in a random direction. The Confused Guardian alternated between madly pursuing anything that moved and swatting at the little gold stars orbiting his head.

"Anyone got any Remedies?" Tidus inquired, jumping away from Auron's flailing weapon. "I'm all out." There was a chorus of 'me too's and 'same here's .

"White Magic?" Kimahri suggested, batting the muddled Legendary Guardian aside with a massive paw.

"Sorry. We Mages are all out of Mp." Lulu replied.

"I'm out of healing Items, but I could probably mix something up." Rikku said, ducking behind a boulder.

"Hurry!" Tidus yelped, leaning back matrix-style to avoid the arching sword.

The sword sheared the air above Tidus barely missing the tip of his nose. He rolled out of the way and fled, the sword slicing through the top inch of Wakka's 'do' on the backswing.

"Awww man!" came Wakka's tortured cry as the severed hair fluttered to the ground.

"Okay! Here it goes!" Rikku crowed triumphantly, chucking the mixture at Auron. Because it was the first attempt, it failed as all first attempts do. Its just the way the Universe works. Its supposed to build suspense and make the next attempt that much more appreciated.

The Universal Laws switched on and Auron found the sudden urge to crouch, the concoction missing him by mere millimeters to land squarely on Kimahri.

"Sorry!" Rikku squealed when the smoke cleared to reveal Kimahri, hairless from the neck down.

"I'll try again." the small Al Bhed teen said quickly, her friends eyeing her warily. This time they quickly crowded _behind_ her.

"Okey-dokey, let's see…um, a Grenade…Shining Thorn, Wings of Discovery…uh, no,no.no,…" she muttered to herself.

"What are you putting in there?" Tidus asked in growing alarm as he watched Rikku grab Items at random and swirl them together.

"Oh, a little bit of whatever. There! Ready for round two."

As the concoction smashed over Auron everyone closed their eyes in apprehension, just in case Kimahri's fate befell their older friend. The Legendary Guardian was enshrouded by a small mushroom-shaped cloud of greenish smoke. It was followed by a blast of stench that hit with the force of a well thrown brick. It was one of those smells that should be accompanied by a warning, usually along the lines of 'Don't go in there just yet' or 'You might want to leave the window in the bathroom open for a while'. The Mixture had removed the Confusion, but had left behind the worst stench ever to sear a nostril. It was so strong that it was able to physically manifest itself as a putrid green-brown miasma.

Auron blinked and peered around in puzzlement, unable to smell the reek. Kind of like college students who want to save a few bucks on their utility bill… by not showering (aka. saving water), and 'recycling' clothes (saving water _and_ electricity) for two months. The nose just gives up after awhile in self-defense. "Where's all this smog coming from?" the middle aged Guardian asked, striding towards his fellows, waving an irritable hand at the cloud which only served to waft it around.

Something was wrong, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. His eyes were drawn to the Ronso. "Why is Kimahri bald?" he asked, his gaze immediately fixing balefully on Tidus. Instinct and Experience told him that if something weird was going on, Tidus was the cause.

"Don't look at me," Tidus snapped defensively, "I didn't do it!" The teen pouted. The 'old people' in the group (Auron (35), Kimahri(32), and Lulu (22, technically young, but mentally going on 40) were always blaming him for everything. They would blame him for original Sin if they could. Wakka was excluded from the 'old people' category because, though 23, was mentally only around age 10.

Auron glanced at Lulu and received an imperceptible nod of affirmation. Auron grunted, surprised, but let the matter drop. He shot a glance at the sky just to make sure the sun was still up there, no snow was falling, and checked to make sure his feet weren't cold, a sign that the Farplane had frozen over. He was having a hard time believing that Tidus hadn't had anything to do with Kimahri's hairless state (and his own smelly state, which he will find out about shortly).

"Uh…" Rikku said in a small voice. " It was a Mixing accident." Auron paused, just now noticing that when ever he took a step forward, his so called friends took a step back. He slowly lifted a foot and watched them carefully. Every one of them slowly moved a leg back. He returned the foot to its original position. His friends leaned forward again.

"What's going on." he demanded in a put out growl.

"You got Confused during the battle, and afterwards we were all out of MP and healing Items, " Yuna began, coming to her cousin's rescue. "So Rikku Mixed some Items together. It took care of the Confusion, but…" Yuna trailed off as her brain searched for the file marked "How to Tell Your Friend He Stinks (And Not Hurt His Feelings)"

"Now you stink like a rotting corpse in a restaurant dumpster on a hot and humid day" Lulu finished for her (someone had to say it). "The first Mixture missed you and landed on Kimahri."

"It's no _that_ bad!" Rikku said in a tiny, guilt-filled voice. The grass at Auron's feet began withering. Rikku did what most people do when faced with spirit crushing guilt: trying to make the victim feel better by comparing their misfortune to someone else's. Despite all common sense she said, "It's better than being bald, right?" A passing bird flew through Auron's smog of stench and fell out of the sky with a feathery thump and a strangled squawk. The Unsent Guardian rolled a baleful eye and gave the teen a look that suggested that being bald was preferable.

"I'm _sorry_, okay?" Rikku wailed miserably in answer to Auron's frown.

"Let's just get to the nearest Item Shop." Aruon grumbled, stalking off towards Guadosalam, his cloud trailing behind him like a polluted pyrefly. "Do we have to walk with him?" Tidus whispered loudly to Yuna. He was answered with the wimpiest Hand of Justice ever. "I was just asking." he said reproachfully, raising a hand to return the 'plap' (harder than a pat, but weaker than a slap). Tidus' early warning system went off, sensing possible Death by Ronso. His eyes darted around of their own accord and spied Kimahri's naked bulk standing right beside him with one meaty fist raised. Tidus gulped, catching the cold glint in Kimahri's yellow eyes that clearly said "Kimahri smash."

Tidus tried to come up with a witty comment, but failed. He had learned that the only thing you could call a hulking, predatory humanoid capable of disemboweling you with one swipe, was 'Sir'. Tidus lowered his hand.

"Of course we have to walk with him!" Yuna gasped, appalled. "We don't abandon our friends. Sir, Auron," she said brusquely, turning in a swishing of skirts, "Lets go." She walked up to the odiferous Guardian and stood right beside him. The Sisterhood immediately crowded around, despite the rancor, and marched off with Auron in their midst.

Wakka, Tidus, and Kimahri exchanged disconsolate glances. "Auron smell _bad_." Kimahri rumbled, the closest thing to a whisper a Ronso could get. The Brotherhood slowly shuffled forward.

"I know he's been dead for ten years, but now he _smells_ like it!" Tidus grumbled, Wakka and Kimahri nodding in agreement. They took their time catching up, seriously reconsidering their vows to _always_ follow where their Summoner led.

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Better, or Worse? You decide!


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to everyone for waiting so patiently for my sporadic updates! Here's Chapter 2! As always, if you see any spelling/grammar mistakes, let me know. Also, if you had trouble understanding a joke, don't be afraid to email me! Enjoy Random Bits 16 Chapter2!

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**Title:** Random Bits 16 - Chapter 2

**Setting: **An unfortunate accident leaves Auron smelling funky. Now the Guardianship is off to find Mt. Gagazette's Potion Master.

**Guadosalam **- Outside the Manor- Yuna and Co. have just been politely asked to leave by King Bob. Something about Auron being detrimental to the health of the city.

Tidus stalked along at the end of the line, muttering to himself. Wakka plodded along just ahead, trying to ignore the one-sided conversation (which ran along the lines of "Stupid tree city. Stupid Guado with their stupid hair. Stupid, stupid-heads!"). Wakka lost interest in the conversation and fell back on his favorite pastime: picking his nose. Wakka was the kind of person who would pick his nose just about anywhere. He didn't care who was watching. Wakka's philosophy was that 'everyone burps, farts, and picks their nose, so there was nothing to be embarrassed about.

Concentrating on mining a really crusty lode (you know the kind I mean. It's the crusty you can feel way up your nasal passage. It's the sharp, jagged one that stabs you in the nostril when you just barely touch the side of your nose.), Wakka never noticed when Tidus stopped dead in his tracks.

The demon of mischief stabbed Tidus firmly in the bum with his little pitchfork of malicious revenge. There was a metallic screech and a clonk as Tidus' mental gears started turning. His eyes lit up with unHoly glee as an idea began to take shape. He'd show those Guado the meaning of the word 'stink'!

Wakka was strolling along, excavating his nostril while lost in thought. This is very tricky to do. It requires top-notch hand-eye coordination and a very steady hand or else it's bye-bye brain. His thoughts were interrupted (which was okay, seeing that he'd made a wrong turn down Memory Lane somewhere between 'What I Had For Breakfast', and 'What _Did _Lulu Say About Not Picking My Nose In Public Last Night' ) when someone poked him sharply in the back. The red-head turned to find Tidus, grinning like a Bomb. "Hey, Wakka. Wanna have some fun?"

Lulu was deep in conversation with Yuna concerning important feminine issues (I.e. the latest nail polish shade, the Alcyone's feet around her eyes, and how Wakka won't pick up his socks). Lulu was just explaining proper skin exfoliating techniques when someone entered the Barrier. The Barrier is the invisible bubble of space that surrounds women in conversation. It is specifically designed to repel everyone not part of the conversing group. Interlopers who get too close to the Barrier are met with that polite silence that says 'This is an A and B conversation, so C you later!' and is immediately followed by the feeling of a pressing need to suddenly be very far away. Those who are brave, or stupid enough to intentionally penetrate the Barrier are instantly met with hostile glares, ringing silence, and scorn multiplied by the number of women in the group.

The conversation ground to a halt. Lulu raked her burning red gaze over the two intruders, who flinched involuntarily, but kept grinning nervously. A warning siren went off in the Black Mage's head. Her internal Stupidity weathercock rotated wildly before spinning to a halt pointing due Tidus. Something Stupid was going down.

"Uh, Yuna…" Tidus ventured. He had to play his cards right, or else his plans would be ruined. He waited until Yuna looked at him, then giving her his best 'Big Dewy Eyes', said "Can you…Summon Ifrit for me?" The Summoner looked uncertain. "Well…I don't know…" Her Guardians didn't usually ask for a Summoning unless they were in danger. She knew Tidus was fascinated with the Aeons, but was never too enthusiastic about Yuna Summoning them, especially after what had happened between him and Valefor that one time in Guadosalam…

Lulu countered with the Common Sense and Deep Suspicion Cards. Leaning in to offer council Grand Vizier style, she murmured to Yuna "It would not be wise. The Aeons aren't toys." She shot Tidus a distrustful glance that said 'I know you are up to something'. The whole thing smelled fishy, and it wasn't because of Auron (but only because he was currently walking downwind). Tidus swallowed and took a near imperceptible step back. He wished he knew how to cast Reflect. It was dangerous to mess with someone who could kill a Behemoth King with just a rag doll.

The All Innocence Card was brought into play. "I just want to…er, pet him." Tidus said to his shoes. He didn't dare look up. Lulu was giving him one of her megawatt glares; he could feel it. It was making his scalp sizzle. He received skeptical looks from both women. "Why?" The Black Mage demanded. By now her radar was going totally nutters and the others had wandered over to see what the hold-up was. They crowded around to watch just in case something interesting was going to happen.

"Uh…" Was as far as Tidus got before his brain farted out all the really good answers. The only ones left were 'Just because' and ' I don't know', but that wasn't going to work. Luckily, Wakka came to his rescue, playing the Sympathy Card. The blitz ball captain strolled up with feigned confidence ( given away by the fact that his knees were banging together like castanets), and said " He just wants to pet him for a while 'cause Ifrit reminds him of a little orange puppy named…uh, Blitz, yeah, when he was a kid, ya? But the poor little guy--"

"Girl." Tidus corrected.

"Girl, got run over by a, um…steam roller!" Wakka was thinking at lying speed, which was much faster than normal thinking speed. Lie speed is calculated in thoughts per second and is the number of thoughts that flash through your mind when you are trying to think of an answer to your (girlfriend's, boyfriend's, wife's, husband's, kid's) question of 'Where were you last night?" when you know you were at (the bar, your friend's house, or that really awesome party out in the middle of nowhere that involved the theft of a construction site port-a-potty). Wakka was thinking somewhere around 15tps, as far as Lulu could judge from the smoke that was beginning to curl out of the man's ears.

"He-e-eyyyy!" Rikku interrupted. "How do _you_ know if Tidus had a puppy when he was little? You weren't even born yet, Wakka!" The little Al Bhed girl stood glaring up at Wakka, hands on hips. She looked like an angry bantam. Wakka cursed silently, but managed to increase his tps to about 17, and came up with "Well, he told me all about it. He is my buddy, ya?" he said in lofty tones. " He saw the whole thing happen. It was awful! Right, brudda?"

"Yeah, it happened right before my eyes. Poor little Bitz," Tidus sniffed, "She never saw it coming. Afterwards, we had to scrape her off the roller with a spatula. I had to fold her in half six times just so she would fit in her little shoebox coffin." He managed to squeeze out a single tear. There was a sad 'awww' from Rikku and Yuna.

"How terrible!" Yuna said quietly, covering her mouth with a hand. "You must have been so sad."

Tidus managed a few more moist sniffles. It was working! Yuna was just about ready to give in. The young blitz ball star pulled out all the stops. "Yes. I cried for a week. And every night I think about how we could have had her stuffed if only that clown had let use his helium tank."

"You cry all the time anyway, you crybaby." came an unconvinced grumble from Auron's direction. "I think you have one too many 'X's in your genotype." Tidus, through great effort, managed to ignore the comment. It would all be worth it in the end. Besides, he didn't even know what a genotype was. It sounded like it had something to do with pants.

Giving Yuna one of his saddest, most soulful gazes (and adding in a little trembling lip just to be safte), Tidus sniffled, "Ifrit reminds me of my little Blitzie. Please, can I just pet him for a little while?" Unable to stand up under the deluge of threatened tears, Yuna crumbled. She Summoned Ifrit.

Tidus clung to the Aeon's neck, sobbing dramatically, "Oh Blitzie, you've come back!" The other Guardians shuffled uncomfortably, embarrassed (except for Auron, Lulu, and Kimahri, who knew bad acting when they saw it) by the display, and gladly left when Tidus asked for a moment alone. Yuna paused as she shooed her other Guardians ahead of her. "Will you be okay by yourself, Tidus?" she asked in concern. "Yes. I…I…just need a few moments alone. Go on without me, I'll catch up!" he replied, drama oozing from every pore. Up ahead, Lulu rolled her eyes at Auron. It was like watching a really bad soap opera.

Looking over her shoulder as Yuna rejoined them, Lulu could see poor Ifrit with Tidus hanging from his neck like an ugly tick. "I feel sorry for the Aeon." Lulu muttered to Auron as they started down the tunnel to the Thunder Plains.

Once Tidus was certain they were alone, he let go of Ifrit's neck, allowing the Aeon to breath again. Grinning happily, the blond patted the fiery hell hound on the head and began digging through his pack. There was the sound of a can being opened. Ifrit's mouth watered at the smell of meat that wafted through the air. His ears pricked up as Tidus turned around and held out a can of Marp's Blazing Hot Bomb Chili. "It's all for you, buddy!" Tidus crowed quietly to the illiterate creature. "Eat up!"

Nothing upsets the complicated balance of digestive bacteria in a dog's gut like 8 oz. (or 0.2268 kg if you're using the metric system) of extra spicy chili. For millions of years dogs have spent their days eating spoiled and rotting food, their own and other dogs' vomit, and flattened, sun-baked road kill jerky (the way the maggots wiggle on the way down is a right treat!), without so much as an upset gurgle from their stomachs. Feed a dog a can of all beef, USDA inspected meat and five minutes later it's a mushy, steaming pile on the sidewalk waiting for an unsuspecting shoe.

Tidus held his breath while he scrapped the flaming pile into the wet paper sack Wakka had given him. He sent Ifrit back to Yuna and began creeping back up the tunnel, praying to whatever deity was now filling in for Yu Yevon that no one would come ambling his way. The hoodlum, humming his own theme music, paused in the shadowy tunnel to scope things out. He could see the Mansion doors clearly from his hiding spot. There wasn't a Guado in sight. A slow, evil smile stretched across Tidus' countenance.

Owning (or at least having access to) a dog that was wreathed in eternal hellfire brought the classic Flaming Bag of Dog Doo-Doo on the Porch prank to a whole new level. For one thing, you didn't need to carry matches. Tidus tossed the flaming bag into the air, and began the first rotation of the Jecht Shot. There's a certain technique required to throw a burning bag of poop in order to achieve the desired effect. 1. Throw, and 2. Run like the Farplane. The bag doesn't _have_ to burst open, but it is preferable (and harder to clean up).

By the time the sordid little package splatted on the Mansion doors (and yes, it did burst open!) Tidus was just a small, accelerating speck at the end of the tunnel.

Anyone for some Blitz jerky? It's fresh off the roller! I'll even throw in a side of Marp's Blazing Hot Bomb Chili. (_please review_!)


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, I finally updated!! Thank your for your patience. Read!!

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Title: Random Bits 16 - Chapter 3

Setting: An unfortunate accident leaves Auron smelling funky. Now the Guardianship is off to find Mt. Gagazette's Potion Master.

**Thunder Plains **- South- Just passing through. Very, very quickly. Being chased by angry Guado to be precise.

Tidus had been jogging nonchalantly down the path to the Thunder Plains when the shouts of ten very angry Guado guards triggered his Flight response. Adrenaline surged, digestion shut down, and he found himself pelting down the path in a cloud of dust. The Flight response also halts the excretory and urinary systems, which is why when prey animals encounter a predator, they often freeze and express their bladders and defecate before bolting. Luckily, Tidus had just gone to the bathroom and saved himself and everyone pursuing him quite a lot of embarrassment.

Legs pumping like formula one race car pistons, Tidus tore down the path. After a few terrifying moments, Tidus realized that something was gamely keeping pace with him. Praying that it wasn't a Guado, the boy risked a glance. What he saw looked like a skinny blue Chocobo with a purple crest. It had a competitive look in it's beady black eyes that would have given even the most rabid sports athlete pause. In what was clearly a challenge, the thing flicked it's tongue at him with a sound like a half plugged drain pipe, and went '_beep-beep!_' Tidus willed his legs to go faster, in case it was carnivorous. It was probably one of those elusive 'path-runners' he'd been hearing about that were supposedly 'super-fast', or something. Tidus left if behind in a spray of muddy water.

The Spawn of Sin blew by a trio of wandering cactuars who were on a spiritual pilgrimage to remove the graffiti (badly drawn on mustaches and devil horns were the only way to properly deface an image. Even the most amateurish vandal has this classic in his arsenal) some one had scrawled on one of their sacred stones. He left the prickly trio spinning in his wake. The sounds of pursuit turned to that of ten Guado running into three very angry Cactuars. Tidus didn't 'stick' around.

"What is he-?" Auron began as Tidus shot towards them, waving his arms wildly and shouting. A few bolts of lightning made spirited attempts to strike him. They gave up after missing every single time and, in uncomfortable silence, went in search of a slower target. The dejected bolts found just what they were looking for, if the distant screams were anything to go by.

"Run, run, run!" Tidus panted as he hurtled towards his friends. The party dove to either side of the path, barely in time, as the blond miscreant shot by. When Auron picked himself up, he found that Kimahri was already gone and running, with Lulu on his back, and Yuna and Rikku each under an arm. Wakka sprang to his feet and fled so fast that he left his sandals on the road. Auron stared at the abandoned footwear, wondering how it was possible to remove the foot without undoing the straps. A shout of "There they go!" sent the grizzled warrior 'hurrying' (Auron being too cool to run. Running was for pansies). It wasn't that Auron was afraid or anything. Being Unsent tended to take all the fear out of things like bodily harm, various diseases, and death. The only thing Auron wanted to avoid was having to spent that ten to twenty minutes after a battle collecting all his pyre flies. The little buggers tended to scatter on impact.

It was a long run through the Thunder Plains, and the Guardians and their Summoner were pursued the entire time. The party had turned down several promising hiding places. They had all looked like good places to hide, but in the big game of Hide or Die, no one wanted to hide with someone who was going to give them away.

With his tell-tale cloud of billowing rancor, hiding with Auron would have been like choosing Darth Vader to be your hiding buddy. Force wielding Dark Lord of the Sith or not, unless he held his breath you were out of luck. So, they ran straight through to the Macalania Woods.

The vanquishers of Sin were now clinging to the concealing roots of the tree in the middle of the spring. The only sign of their presence was the small school of fish floating belly-up in the water. Silence reigned as the fugitives waited anxiously, ears straining for the slightest sound that would indicate pursuit. After a few tense moments, Tidus got bored. He leaned back to look around Wakka's bulk. "Psst!…Yuna!"

The blue (and green, because she's half Al Bhed, remember?) eyed Summoner peered around the other side of Wakka and gave the boy a questioning look. "Hey," Tidus hissed, flashing her an encouraging smile, "You wanna go for another swim?" Yuna blushed and made urgent hushing motions as her friends turned curious gazes on her. They all wanted to know about the first swim.

"_Shhhhh_!" Auron hissed urgently. He broke off a thin root to extend his reach and repeatedly jabbed the boy in the back of the head with it.

"Hey!" Tidus yapped, waving a warding arm at the offending root, "I was talking to Yuna." Auron jabbed him again, "_Shhhhh! _They're going to find us!"

Tidus rubbed the back of his head and glared at the Unsent man. He wanted him quiet? Fine. He'd be quiet. The son of Jecht pointed at Auron, then pinched his nose in the universal gesture for 'you stink'. Auron responded by raising the stick threateningly in the equally universal gesture for 'you want another one?'

Tidus raised an arm defensively then opened his mouth and pantomimed shoving his finger down his throat in the well known gesture for 'you make me sick'. This brought on snickers from his companions and a vicious whack from the damp root Auron was holding. The Legendary Guardian scowled and made a rude gesture of Ronso origin, which could be roughly translated as 'Taketh thou this (implement, object, or concept of an idea) and shoveth it, with all thy strength, into the blackest shadows of Sacred Mt. Gagazette, where never shall the rays of the Blessed sun reacheth it'. Then, he swam away to find another root.

A heavy, silence descended as the Summoning party contemplated the gesture. Most of them were committing it to memory for future use, because you never know when gestures like that will come in handy (like on the highway, in any situation when you need to communicate displeasure across a distance, or when words just suddenly fail you). The silence was broken as Tidus whispered "Yuna, look, I'm a water-logged corpse!" It was followed shortly by the _thump_ of the Hand of Justice.

Something rustled in the shrubbery and everyone did their best imitation of a rock. The tension was almost palpable. Moments passed, and the Guardians came to the silent agreement that something needed to be done. With some amount of force, Wakka was pried off his root and sent to see if the coast (or bank, since this was a spring, not an ocean) was clear. The islander cautiously swam across the Spring, just under the surface. His progress was tracked by his quail-like doo as it cut through the water Jaws-style.

The blitz ball captain beached himself on the bank, squirmed farther up, then rose to his knees, then to a crouch, and finally progressed to the upright position. It was like watching the evolution of man (if you believe that kind of thing. I for one, did _not_ come from some monkey in a tree.) in thirty seconds. Unfortunately, Wakka stopped evolving at the Neanderthal stage. He disappeared around the bend, nervously picking his nose.

While everyone waited tensely, Tidus occupied himself with watching the multitude of water beetles skating between the roots and vegetation. There was a particularly fat one with an orange streak on it's back, whom Tidus dubbed 'Wakka'. 'Wakka skated around and bumped into two more beetles, a black one ('Lulu') and a shiny white one ('Yuna'). There was a brief moment of antenna waving between 'Lulu' and 'Wakka', which resulted in 'Wakka' leaving in a hurry. He traversed the neighborhood (stopping for a quick bite to eat at Glurn's Curry Larva Take-Away) and happened upon a dainty water bug called 'First girl he sees to make up for Lulu not dating him'.

Rikku let go of her root and Dingo-paddled over to Tidus' root. "Wha'cha doin'?" she asked in a curious whisper. The boy pointed to the water beetles, "Watching the bugs. I called that one 'Wakka'." The two young Guardians leaned in to watch the drama unfold. The antenna waving was just getting to the 'Hey, baby. Waddaya say we go to my pad?' part when a big shiny beetle with awkwardly kinked blue antennae bumped 'Wakka' out of the way. Rikku called it 'Seymour'.

'Wakka' tapped 'Seymour' angrily on the carapace with a leg and gave him a vicious slap with his wings. Seeing as how 'Wakka' was just an insignificant bug, he was ignored by 'Seymour'. Taking the opening, the female water insect zipped away and left the orange streaked water beetle to face a very upset 'Seymour'. 'Wakka' tried his best to defeat the enraged 'Seymour', but like the real Seymour, this one just wouldn't stay dead. Seeing that 'Wakka's strength was flagging, Rikku decided it was time for a little divine intervention and flicked 'Seymour' out into the open water where he was swallowed by a hungry fish.

"Lets see you come back from that, you grody jerk!"

Meanwhile, Wakka reappeared at the edge of the path and ambled up to the Spring. From the roots of the tree Tidus whistled in a fair imitation of a strangling seagull.

"What was that?" Rikku whispered to the boy.

"That's 'The Signal'." he replied, "You've got to give 'The Signal'. It lets everyone know everything's all clear, or okay. I saw it in a sphere show once."

The Islander looked around as the cry of an animal in distress rang though the trees. Shrugging he cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted,

"Heeeeey! Everything looks fine. I don't think they followed us." In the depths of the roots Lulu dropped her head into her hands with a disgusted groan.

Their cover blown, Yuna and Company paddled to the bank and sloshed onto dry land. They jumped and turned at a strange _'thlap! thlap! thlap!' _sound to see Kimahri having a good shake. Skin flapped, wrinkles formed and broke like crashing waves, and loose folds of flesh were still swinging to the right long after the Ronso had twisted to the left. Out of twisted fascination Lulu cast Slow on Kimahri. The companions stood in silence, heads cocked as the flailing flesh rippled and wobbled in the air like a separate entity desperately struggling for freedom. Eventually everything jiggled to a halt and shivered back into place.

A full body shudder wracked the Guardianship as a whole. Ever the jocular opportunist, Tidus leaned over Yuna's shoulder and whispered into her ear, "Naaakeeeeed!" The young Summoner gasped in horrified revelation and quickly turned away.

"What's wrong?" Lulu asked in concern as the boy quickly sidled away.

"Kimahri is…well…naked." the Summer replied in a small voice.

"No he isn't he…" Lulu stopped in mid sentence and took a long look at the Ronso. He had always worn just feathers, fur, and a loincloth, but now he had no fur, so it was technically true.

"He has a loincloth." the Black Mage said with finality, trying not only to convince Yuna, but also herself.

"Ewwww!" Rikku whimpered.

Once their clothes were sufficiently wrung out they marched off through the woods, Auron and Kimahri brining up the rear.

"Why Yuna not want Kimahri to walk with her? It Kimahri's duty to protect Yuna." the Ronso grumbled to his odiferous companion.

"Because she thinks you're naked and is embarrassed about it."

Kimahri scratched his chin thoughtfully. He just didn't see what the fuss was about. Everybody was naked under their clothes. Humans were so odd. Ronso usually didn't bother with trivial things like shirts, pants, or socks. A good loincloth was all a strong Ronso warrior needed. And leather straps. You had to have leather straps.

You also had to have metal rings and some kind of decorative feather piece (made from the remains of you victims). Nothing said 'I'm a strong Ronso warrior. Look at my bulging muscles unhindered by clothing and unaffected by sub-zero temperatures' like iron, feathers, and a loincloth. Lets not forget the ankle wraps, because when you live on a mountain with perpetual winter and walk around showing off your strength by not wearing protective clothing, you just can't survive with frozen ankles.

The big blue Guardian pondered the strange ways in which humans thought. It was a human thing. Of course, humans did have more bits of embarrassing and unmentionable anatomy that were better off hidden, like moles…and bellybuttons. Deep in thought the Ronso marched on.

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Beep! Beep! Please tell me _somebody_ got the Pathrunner joke.


	4. Chapter 4

Yay! Chapter 4 is finally up! FYI I am now on Deviant Art, which is why it took me so long to update. I hope this chapter was worth the wait.

Title: Random Bits 16 - Chapter 4

Setting: An unfortunate accident leaves Auron smelling funky. Now the Guardianship is off to find Mt. Gagazette's Potion Master.

**Macalania Woods **- Right down the road from the Calm Lands - O'aka is lying in wait for unwary customers.

O'aka looked up from counting his gil as a ghastly odor assailed his nostrils. He turned in time to dodge the stampede of local fauna and area fiends that burst out of the brush and fled in blind terror before a gaseous cloud of rancor.

"Ugh! What died?" the traveling merchant muttered as greenish-brown tendrils snaked out of the forest gloom to envelop him.

"Holy Yevon it smells like a dead skunk in a swamp on a humid day." he said, waving a hand in front of his nose.

Universal Laws concerning action movies and last minute escapes came into play and Spira's least famous traveling salesman dove aside as Yuna and her Guardians exploded from the miasma stumbling and gagging, all of them suffering from fros and medusa syndrome from spending an extended period in the fog of stench.

"Thank Yevon you're here!" Rikku gasped, rushing up to O'aka with tears in her eyes. The shifty man beamed. It wasn't everyday that someone admitted they were glad to see him. Most days if he saw someone rushing towards him they were also shouting things like 'There he is! Get him!' or 'Hey! That's the sod who sold me this crappy Hi-potion!'.

Seeing no guards or angry customers behind her, O'aka relaxed and slipped effortlessly into Salesman mode.

"What can I do for you miss?" he said, giving the girl a wide, brilliant smile that on any other human would have made the wearer appear friendly and ready to help. In O'aka's case, it made him look like a desperate and starving fox grinning at a plump hen. Or possibly a pervert.

"We-ell…"Rikku began, then decided to let Auron's smell speak for itself, and shoved the over -ripe Guardian to the front. The Smell gave O'aka a hearty 'hello' and the man gagged.

"By Sin's bum that's foul!" he exclaimed, "When's the last time you had a good washing?"

"It's a Status Effect." Auron snapped defensively.

"Sorry! Sorry!" the traveling vendor said quickly.

"Do you have anything that will remove it?" the Al Bhed girl asked, eyes glistening with hope.

"Yeah," Tidus interjected, "It's making me sick. That dead Sandwolf he tried to cook for lunch in the desert smelled better than him."

O'aka drew a breath thoughtfully, which proved to be a nearly fatal mistake since Auron tasted worse than he smelled, then began rummaging eagerly in his sack. He ignored Tidus' yelp as Auron collared the little Sin Spawn and maneuvered the boy into a headlock.

"Let me see what I have. I may have just the thing." the merchant said as the rest of the Guardians crowded around in interest.

A good vendor knows every item in his inventory by heart, especially the dodgy ones which are for tourists and instances when food more substantial than two tiny bird eggs and what ever was caught napping under rock A, was needed. 'Authentic' and 'Genuine' merchandise sells quickly on the streets because tourists will buy anything. They are so eager to take home a piece of 'Here' or 'There' that they will readily buy a genuine Kilikan pot (of which only sixty were made before the great master potter Whett Clae went insane from the pure perfection of his creations), the bones of a long dead Summoner which can cure most athletes foot, several types of rashes and possibly bring good luck, and the ever popular mystic stones (in which the only thing mystical about them is why tourists feel drawn to buy them).

When really down on their luck, or during peak tourist seasons, most of Spira's merchants went in for the Relics. These are usually articles such as a genuine piece of Lord Zaon's robe, a necklace containing a small vial in which rests a sliver of toe nail or the stubble from the last time Lady Yunalesca shaved her legs, and the small tube with a real drop of Yu Yevon's blood. And let's not forget the traditional hats, costumes, and musical instruments from Spira's various cultures, encompassing age old customs and festivals.

The average tourist will happily fork over large sums of gil for these items, grinning smugly as they hand over their money as if they are getting a real bargain. They never notice the rare pot they just purchased is being sold several streets down by six other vendors who have barely had time to let the paint dry. If they were more observant they would wonder how one would acquire a Summoner's bones if said Summoner lived in a world were the human body disintegrated into a cloud of pyre-fies upon death, or if they lived in the regular world just how many bones _did_ the human body contain if fifteen vendors were all selling bits of the same person. They might also wonder just how long Zaon's robe was and how many colors did it have since everyone seemed to end up with a different colored scrap, or how long were Lady Yunalesca's toe nails and leg hair before she shaved/cut them. Most tourists are so excited that they are holding a real piece of history that they never realize the vendor has neatly trimmed toe nails and a shirt with several inches missing. And as they proudly stride away with their traditional garb, they are oblivious to several facts, 1) the hats are several sizes larger than necessary, 2) the natives they pass are all snickering, and 3) no one else is wearing anything remotely traditional to the festival/ceremony.

"Ah-ha! Here it is. The latest in personal hygiene." the traveling merchant crowed triumphantly, brandishing a heavily scented tube of a strange chalky substance with a flourish. The Guardianship leaned in excitedly with 'oooh's' and 'ahhhh's', ignoring Tidus, whose cries of protest took on a panicked and muffled tone. Auron had deftly shifted his grip and now had the boy's nose stuffed into the dank recesses of his armpit (which was all the more rank from sweating and sitting in pond water). He waited until the teen's desperate struggles turned feeble before finally releasing him. The Legendary Guardian chuckled darkly as Tidus weakly attempted to dragged himself away from the now legendary miasma. He watched him reach the edge of the cloud and with obscene delight took a step towards him, where the boy finally succumbed to the reek and collapsed with little green bubbles bursting around his head.

"It's called De-oder-er," O'aka explained to his enthralled audience, "And all you do is rub a little under each arm and Bob's your uncle!" Puzzled, Rikku leaned closer to Lulu and whispered out of the corner of her mouth, "But Bob's just a kid and the Guado Leader." Taking pity on the girl, Lulu translated, "It's an expression meaning 'and the problem is solved' or 'and there you have it'." The Al Bhed teen thought about it for a moment while Understanding finally fell over the other side of the Cultural Slang Hurdle and hobbled to the finish line.

"Oh, I get it." the youngest Guardian chirped. "He means 'and all your pistons are pumping'."

"Or, 'and it's a winner'." Wakka suggested. Looming behind the X's, Kimahri rumbled, "Ronso say, 'and the head of your enemy is yours'."

Realizing that the Ronso was right behind them, the three girls rolled slightly dread-filled eyes over their shoulders. "Could you not stand behind us please?" Lulu said, addressing the Ronso. Kimahri stared down his muzzle at the Black Mage, then glanced at Yuna and Rikku, who were politely shielding their eyes with a hand on the side of their faces. He snorted and stalked away, the fur around his head rising to give him the appearance of an affronted and frost-bitten dandelion. He decided to get back into Yuna's good graces by shaking Tidus out of his stench induced coma.

"Male pattern baldness, eh?" It's a terrible thing you know." O'aka said conversationally as the towering humanoid hoisted the unconscious blond with one massive paw and shook him vigorously. "One day you notice a little thinning and a few days later you can count to four just looking in the mirror." He tsked in sympathy.

"So how much does it cost?" Lulu inquired, drawing everyone's attention back to Auron's predicament. "Why, for a measly sixty-" O'aka began before catching the scorching glare the Black Mage was giving him. He faltered, his soul withering slightly from the intensity. It was like she knew exactly how much it cost and knew he knew _she_ knew. He tried to shake the feeling that he was five years old and had just been caught being naughty and said, "Well, there's a special promotional price of just 15...I mean 6gil." he finished, sweating nervously.

The traveling vendor sagged with relief after handing over the product and watched with interest while the Unsent Guardian tried in vain to ward off Lulu, who by dint of having impaired nasal senses, was trying to help him apply the chalky substance. It suddenly occurred to him that he should have run, but realized that it was too late. He winced, mentally kicking his metaphysical butt, as the De-oder-er bubbled and liquefied from being in the man's H.B.O. cloud too long.

"Wait!" O'aka babbled desperately, falling victim to Yuna's frown (a.k.a Kimahri scowling at him from over the top of her head), "I have something much better than that!" he said quickly, rummaging frantically in his sack. His fumbling fingers closed over one of his newest Items. It was a distilled substance whose name was a mystery even to him. It was still the experimental phase and he had no clue as to what was in it. Heck, he didn't even know what it _did_; having stumbled upon it in Mushroom Rock Road, bubbling quietly in a crater left by Sin.

Scientific and technological experimentation is the key to advancement. Everything used today has been tested, modified, and tested again, sometimes on people in exchange for large sums of money. Experimentation has thus given us such advancements as the screw, cell phones that do everything except function as phones, and carbonite freezing with no detrimental effects on the victim…er, subject.

O'aka quickly thrust the effervescent amber liquid into Yuna's unresisting hands and said, "Just mix it with an Al Bhed Potion and you're all set." As Yuna presented her companions with the Potion, the traveling vendor was already scuttling away at speed.

"I'll mix it!" Rikku said, eager to make up for her first two accidents. "It's okay, " she said in the face of her companions' polite protests, "I think I've got the hang of it now." Before anyone could seek shelter, she snatched the Potion away and chucked it at Auron.

There was a brilliant, eye-searing light and a 'tinkletinklebloop', and when the light died away it revealed Auron's clothes crumpled on the ground where he had been standing.

"His clothes are all that's left." Rikku quavered in guilty horror. "I…think I killed him!"

"Lets not overreact, now." Yuna said, voice strained in the attempt to remain calm.

Rikku jumped as Tidus grabbed her shoulders and shook her, saying in a voice filled with disgusted dread, "That means he's naked!"

"How do you know?" Wakka scoffed, "What if he's just invisible?"

"Then he's naked _and_ invisible. That means he could be standing _anywhere_!"

A wave of water washed over them, quelling their panic as Lulu grew impatient and cast Water. "He's not invisible, naked, or dead." she said curtly, "He's right here." The Black Mage reached down and picked up Auron's coat, shaking it to dislodge an angry Cactuar.

The equivalent of a mental atomic holocaust blew through the Guardianship's brains, destroying all mental functions. There was even a whistling sound as the breeze blew through the desolation. They all stood immobile with shock as the first simple thoughts evolved enough to crawl out of the mental primordial soup and proclaim: Breath in. Breath out… Eventually speech centers developed enough and Wakka hesitantly ventured, "Is that…Auron?"

"Of course." Lulu replied matter-of-factly, "How many Cactuars have you seen with sunglasses and a five o'clock shadow?"

"Well," Yuna said, "He doesn't smell anymore."

"Yeah, and now he's kinda cute." Rikku added, while the Cactuar squeaked angrily.

"Okay then, problem solved! Let's go home." Tidus suggested enthusiastically. Cactuar Auron growled and shot needles into the boy's shins then he tied his jug around his waist, and with surprising strength, shouldered his sword, and ambulated off into the Calm Lands.

* * *

Anyone interested in an Authentic Demimonolith talon? They are very rare and hard to find, and one can be yours for only 200 gil!


	5. Chapter 5

Hey! I didn't die or drop off the face of the earth! I finished chapter 5!! Incase you didn't check my profile, I work full time during the summer and haven't had much time to write. I hope I haven't gotten off track with the direction of the story. Let me know how I did! Hopefully this chapter was worth the wait.

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Title: Random Bits 16 - Chapter 5

Setting: An unfortunate accident leaves Auron smelling funky. Now the Guardianship is off to find Mt. Gagazet's Potion Master.

**Calm Lands **- Our heroes find themselves in the midst of the annual Summer Festival.

"Hey you guys, wait a sec. Auron's having trouble again." Rikku called from the back of the group, where she was supposed to be Cactuar-sitting (a high-paying, but very painful job that tended to be hard on the fanny). The Summoner and her entourage pulled off a perfectly synchronized group Over the Shoulder Glance with an About Face. It only sounded impressive, where in reality it looked like the head had turned in one direction and waited for the legs to circle back around.

Auron was getting to his feet after being accidentally punted for the thirteenth time. So far he'd been kicked, bumped, rolled, and shoved. He wasn't used to this kind of treatment. He was a Legendary Guardian, used to having crowds part in awe of him, people adore him, have 'Sir Auron the Legendary Guardian' mentioned in an awed whisper, and people swearing to any deity in earshot that they 'were never going to wash that hand/foot/finger/cheek, etc, again' (which had only ever really happened in Bathello's case). Now he was experiencing a commoner's life of being totally ignored, talked over (which isn't hard when you're only a foot and a half tall), and referred to in disgust as 'I think I stepped in something.' People had no regard for the vertically challenged.

The Unsent ..er, Cactuar squeaked in frustration as he struggled with his equipment.

His belt kept getting pulled down by the weight of his Sake (It isn't 'Nog' no matter what the outside says. If it ignites near open flame, its gotta be alcoholic and something homemade to boot) jug and entangling its self in his legs. It also didn't help to be covered in quills that make everything stick. It probably had something to do with Cactuars not having those handy things called hips. And without fingers, there was only so much you could do.

Tidus, looking for brownie points with Yuna, trotted over to where Auron was trying to pull up his belt by means of spearing it with a few quills and pulling up. Auron eyed the boy from behind his sunglasses as he squatted down in front of him.

(Push off, I'm busy). he snapped, waving an arm in a dismissive gesture. To is irritation, the blond stayed, smiling at him as if he hadn't heard a word.

Tidus looked down at the chattering Cactuar curiously, then said in a manic tone normally used on young children, "Hey there little guy, what's the matter? Are your legs too short for you to keep up?"

(Why you-)!

Tidus cocked his head in mild bewilderment as Cactuar Auron jumped up and down jabbering and gesturing animatedly.

"What's the problem?" Lulu asked, leading the others over.

"I think he's trying to tell me something." Tidus replied, leaning in to subject his fuming companion to intense scrutiny.

"What is it boy?"

The Legendary Guardian scooted up, grabbed Tidus by the collar of his shirt and chattered,

(Listen you little Sin Spawn, I'm going to take this jug and shove it so far up your…)

"You want me to carry you? Is that it?" Tidus said brightly, as if struck by sudden understanding. To Auron's horror, Tidus adjusted his hood across his shoulders for padding and, swung the stunned Cactuar up onto his shoulders by a 'hair'. The older man was so shocked that he retracted his quills and sat meekly on his new perch.

With Auron safely out of Leg forest, the Conqueror's of Sin proceeded through the crowds. It was slow going, seeing as there were throngs of girls wanting to look at the 'cute little Cactuar' not to mention the countless things to see. Strings of gaily colored pennants criss-crossed the avenues between the booths crowding the grass. There was a multitude of stalls selling food because people gotta eat. There were the usual favorites of: any food that can be shoved on a stick and deep fried, nachos, popped grains, fluffy clouds of 'sugar onna stick', shaved ice, and various noodles and curries. As Yuna and Company found out, the shaved ice could be quite expensive due to the fact that runners were sent out to Mount Gagazet with large wooden boxes to gather snow. They also found out that the yellow ice was 'naturally flavored'.

There were booths selling various toys, balloons, balloon fiends, apparel, rare and authentic items, and cheaply made knick-knacks boasting the words: 'Calm Lands' and 'Someone who loves me went to the Calm Lands and bought me this'. One booth had creatively combined food and balloons to give birth to (insert dramatic drum roll) Sausage-link Fiends. It was doing quite well since it gave kids a chance to play with their food. The games were the same you would find at any carnival in any universe: crooked, so they weren't worth mentioning.

"I think I saw some Ronso running a booth over that way." Yuna said, catching Tidus and swinging him back into the barely cohesive group as he tried to nonchalantly wander off to a dart throwing game. The promise of entertainment of a higher level than the popular Island game of 'Piece Together the Shipwreck Corpses' was proving too much for her Guardians. They seemed to have momentarily forgotten Auron's current condition and were more concerned with which game had the biggest prizes. Yuna sighed, feeling like Spira's first ever catherd, who after boasting that driving cats across two states was easy, was now finding that cats will do as they please and go where they please when they feel like it. Braska's daughter gave up.

"Okay, we'll look around," Yuna said, then held up a warning finger as her companions shifted around like excited children, "but only for a little while because we have to find the Ronso Potions Master."

"Yay! Let's go over there." Rikku squealed with alacrity, pointing towards the closest game booth. It was a spear throwing booth that required the sucker to throw a spear at a target that was too small and too far away. The prizes ranged from small stuffed animals for those who could actually strike the target, to the coveted Colossus; an enormous stuffed bunny.

Yuna allowed herself to be dragged up to the booth by an excited Tidus, where her eyes fell upon the giant stuffed bunny. Every girl in the group had the same thought of: _I want it; it's so cute!_ While every boy/male humanoid cat in the group thought: _Pfft! I can do that with my eyes closed! _Even Auron seemed enthusiastic, judging by the way he was patting the boy on the head in an encouraging manner. It only looked encouraging because he was actually slapping him on the head in an attempt to get him to head to the Ronsos' booth.

Major Disappointment used its favorite trick called 'The Catch' in its never-ending quest to stamp out all that is fun.

"But I got the spear in the middle!" Tidus protested, "That means I win."

"Sorry," the booth owner replied smoothly, "But you can only win the giant bunny if the spear goes all the way through the target and hits the dummy behind it right between the eyes."

"That's impossible." Rikku snapped, "How is anyone supposed to win?"

The booth owner gave the Al Bhed teen a greasy smile and said,

"It's all about skill! Now, young man, you can choose any prize you like from this wall." he said, indicating the wall containing the merely large stuffed animals. Tidus sulkily selected a moderately cute stuffed monkey for Yuna, but it paled in comparison to the Colossus.

Watching from the sidelines, Lulu scowled at the crooked game runner as Yuna led a crestfallen Tidus away. Yuna seemed perfectly happy with the monkey and the Black Mage was certain that she would have been equally happy with a crusty dog turd as long as Tidus had given it to her. She convinced herself that she was going to do something not because Tidus looked like a kicked puppy and had had his confidence in his man-skills injured, but because the man had cheated Yuna out of a ginormous stuffed rabbit. Yeah, that's it. Since burning a defenseless man to cinders was bad manners, she turned to Kimahri instead.

"Poor Yuna," Lulu said in the Loud Mutter. The Loud Mutter is a _sotto voce _statement made in regards to a personthat is _meant_ to be heard clearly by said person. "All she wanted was the Colossus. It's too bad that that booth runner is a liar and a cheat. I can't believe that he would rig his game."

Kimahri hissed under his breath, yellow eyes burning with anger. The Ronso stomped up to the booth and slapped down a handful of gil. He leaned down until he was snout to nose with the carnie, then peeled his lips back from his fangs and growled "Kimahri want to try." The man's eyes widened alarmingly, leaving his eyeballs to cling desperately to their sockets. The toothy grin struck a cord deep down in the primitive part of the booth owner's brain that said 'I am small and furry, and this bugger sure has big teeth!' Instinct told him that any answer other than "S-s-s-sure, Mister!" would not be conductive of a long, healthy life.

The carnival worker squeaked, sweating like a snowman in June. Avoiding any sudden movement, he meekly held out a spear and stuttered "Just hi-hi-hit the target. Make it all th-th-the way through and -!" The spear was snatched from his hand before the ballistic sentence was completed. Kimahri snorted, drew his tree-trunk arm back and hurled the spear with all his might. With a sound like Thunder, the spear smashed through the target and hit the straw stuffed dummy between the eyes with enough force to rip it's head off and nail it to the back of the booth behind it. "hit the d-d-d-dummy between the eyes…" The carnie finished pathetically. "Uh, congratulations? You have your pick of what ever prize you want…" Kimahri grunted and pointed to the enormous bunny. "Kimahri want that one!" he rumbled. The man swallowed "Of course, right away Sir!"

The Colossus was taken down and quickly handed over. The booth owner cringed as the bunny was snatched away and covertly checked to make sure he had all his fingers as the horrible Ronso stomped off, the Black Mage following in his wake. For months afterwards, the booth owner would awake at night with a scream of "The wrinkles, the horrible wrinkles!"

Auron sat on Tidus' shoulders, silently fuming. He was ravenous, and quickly growing very irritated. Earlier attempts at obtaining food had failed miserably. There had been a wonderful booth that was selling some quite decent looking fried noodles. The Legendary Cactaur had tapped his ride on the head and pointed left, straight at the noodle booth. Or so Auron had thought. He had been certain he'd been absolutely clear about his directions, but apparently, he hadn't been clear enough. The boy had looked left and said "Oh, I see!" in a sly voice, and then headed not for the food, but for the trio of young ladies standing a little bit 'lefter'.

(No! No! The noodle shop. The noodle shop!) Auron had growled, repeatedly banging the boy on the head. The dense child had assumed the ex-warrior monk had been encouraging him, instead of trying to communicate his distress. And thus Auron had found himself clinging desperately to Tidus' shoulders as the teen executed athletic feats for the amusement of Yuna and the girls.

From athletic feats Tidus had decided to impress Yuna with his stomach capacity. He had plunked himself down in a curried meat eating contest and joined the ranks of men burying their faces in bowls of questionable meat products. He had won third place, loosing out to Liron 'Hungry' and a man know simply as The Gut. After handing Yuna his prize of 50gil Tidus wandered over to the public bathroom, a.k.a. the grassy spot everyone else was throwing up on.

"Hey, how's it going?" he said politely to one of his fellow contestants. The man smiled wanly and replied,

"A little disappointed, but…_blarrrrrrrgggh_, I did better than last summer."

"Yeah, you had me worried for,…_bwwuurrrkkkk..caugk..caugk_… for a while there." Tidus paused to catch his breath and give the flailing Auron a reassuring pat on the leg. "You can really pack it in."

"Thanks. So, _h-h-hurrrrrggggkkk…aggggkkk_..how long have you been in competitive eating?"

That had been fifteen minutes ago.

Now the Guardians were under a large canopy of a shaved ice booth. The cheerfully colored canopy was the only shade in the Calm Lands. A handful of tables and benches had been set out for patrons to use while enjoying the 'Super Behemoth', 64 ounces of ice cold refreshment. Yuna and her comrades currently had the cool, shady space all to themselves. This was due to the fact that Kimahri, sunburned, naked, and very irritated, had tromped in and Ronsohandled (which is much rougher than regular manhandling, and involves hurling the victim into the distance with an overhand motion.) the other customers in the place.

Yuna and Lulu had, after downing only two 'Super Behemoths' (because they didn't want to ruin their diets), went in search of sunburn lotion for their Ronso companion. "Poor Kimahri. He must be miserable, ya?" Wakka muttered to Tidus, who was trying to straw-feed a very grouchy Auron. "It must be tough to be bald _and_ sunburned." the boy replied, frowning as Auron slapped the straw away. "It makes it harder to pick up women for one thing. Just wait until he starts to _peel_."

"What's the matter buddy?" Tidus asked the seething Cactuar, "You don't like cherry?" He waited while his small companion chattered vehemently and shook an arm at him. "What about grape?" The Guardian-cum-Cactuar bristled and chattered.

"Watermelon?"

"I don't think he wants a shaved ice, Boo-Boo." Rikku said carefully, "He sounds…upset."

"No way!" Tidus scoffed, waving an arm in Kimahri's direction, "Everybody likes shaved ice, even Kimahri." Rikku and Wakka slewed around to see Kimahri with a scowl so deep the corners of his mouth were nearly sweeping the ground while he ferociously lapped his shaved ice. They had heard the expression 'I'm so hungry I could really _murder_ a (insert food item)!' Now they were seeing it applied and silently decided that it had to have been of Ronso origin.

"I know! You want Tropical Delight!" Tidus exclaimed, still trying to guess the flavor of shaved ice Auron seemed to want.

(Listen. For the last time, I don't want a shaved ice! I want to get to Gagazet and find a cure. Are you even listening to me?!)

"Oh! I got it! I'm getting pretty good at this…you want lemon-lime!" The son of Jecht proclaimed, enlightened. Auron threw up his prickly arms in exasperation as Tidus dashed off to the counter singing,

"Yes! That's it!"

Auron flung himself down on the bench and crossed his arms in defeat as the boy returned with a shaved ice, served thoughtfully in a child's cup with a chunky spoon and a novelty loopy straw. Robbed of the last shreds of his dignity, Auron sat in a cloud of gloom and ate his shaved ice sourly. He glared reproachfully at the ridiculous cartoon child on the cup and used a quill to scratch the stupid grin off its face. The depressed succulent shot another quill into a nearby child's balloon, but it did nothing to lift his spirits. This one was definitely going to receive an extra large monument, complete with spotlights and a guy dressed up in a Cactuar suit waving in passers-by, on his Road of Life. It would be right next to the baking Chocobo carcass dedicated to The Time We Visited The Intercontinental Cafè of Fiends.

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Yellow shaved ice is on the house! It's naturally flavored and 100 percent organic, gauranteed! Everyone is worried about stuff being 'organic' these days, right?


	6. Chapter 6

A BIG thankyou to Aki-Masamune for the Cactaur Auron idea that spawned this fic. If you haven't done it yet, check out my FFX fan art on Deviant Art (the link is on my profile page!). Also thanks to everyone for hanging in there through the long pauses between updates! Here's chapter 6; enjoy! (Hey, look! I used a semi-colon!)

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Title: Random Bits 16 - Chapter 6

Setting: After a horrible Mixing accident Auron and his companions are in search of the Ronso Potions Master.

**Calm Lands **- Yuna and Lulu have finally returned with some semi-liquid relief for Kimahri's sizzling skin.

The Vanquishers of Sin stood in an intense silence, about to face what was possibly their toughest challenge ever. Even tougher than defeating Sin. The heroes (and heroines. Let's not be sexist) stared at Kimahri grimly, mouths set in firm lines (except for Auron, who, being a Cactuar, was incapable of getting his mouth to form any shape other than an elongated 'O'). To the casual passerby, the companions' expressions appeared to be those of a group of courageous, selfless people determined to overcome a difficult task no matter what. In reality, their expressions were of the 'Blow that!' variety. And indeed, that's what everyone of them was thinking; Even Yuna, although her version would have 'blank' substituted for the words she deemed to harsh to think.

After much shuffling of feet and dress hems (since there is no evidence that I've seen to suggest that Lulu even has feet), Yuna gripped the bottle of sunburn lotion, and with the resigned air of a man stuck with diaper duty, strode up to the Ronso.

Typical Ronso skin was a dusky blue(or purple, depending on your T.V. color settings). It was not supposed to be lobster red and turn white where you touched it, although this did have a certain amusing quality to it. Holding the bottle out like a shield, the meek Summoner approached Kimahri and said brightly, "Here Kimahri, I brought you something for your sunburn." The Ronso stood while his Summoner poured some of the greasy liquid into her hands and set to work with the grim determination seen in out numbered heroes, down trodden masses, and school teachers.

Rikku and Lulu joined Yuna after delivering unto the men, who were hanging back, the Sharp Look. The Sharp Look is usually delivered from a distance in public situations when someone is deliberately doing what they shouldn't because they are protected by the unspoken rule that you never embarrass family with public discipline (a.k.a. the 'I can't get you right now because we're in public, but just wait until we get home!'). Properly terrified, the Y's shuffled over to help, except for Auron, because Cactuars don't have hands. They have little stumps with spines on that should never be used on tender areas. Spines for fingers brought a new level of difficulty to simple, everyday tasks like petting the cat, rubbing your eyes, wiping your rear end, and picking your nose.

Kimahri stood as still as he could while his companions rubbed the lotion into his skin, and tried to ignore the feeling that he was being basted. After a few minutes of the pleasant attention, and despite his best efforts to refrain from such un-warrior like behavior, Kimahri started purring.

"Awwww!" Rikku cooed in delight. "He's purring! You're just a big old kitty, aren't you? Just a cute widdle kitty!"

Rikku never knew how close she'd come to being just another thin layer of grease on the nearby wall. But, because she was Rikku, she got away with it, as would have Yuna and Lulu. Sometimes it pays to be cute, beautiful, or just plain too dangerous to mess with.

Yuna giggled along with Rikku as she worked. The young Summoner was so engrossed in what she was doing that she didn't notice Tidus nudge Wakka in the ribs. Wakka paused and looked at the boy, who jerked his head in Yuna's direction and grinned. The Islander gazed steadily at the blond for a slow moment until the retarded dust bunny in his head stopped hitting itself over the head with a mallet and realized that something was up. The grin on Tidus' face was one usually found in the dark by small terrified furry creatures. The dust bunny burped and understanding dawned.

Tidus, grinning like a maniac (or a door to door salesman) began working his way over to Yuna. He rose silently behind her like a bad creep show monster and whispered in her ear, "Naaaakk-eeed!" Yuna yanked her hands away with a stifled gasp, "Stop it!" she hissed, flapping an impotent hand at him in dismay.

"What?" Tidus said innocently, "I just said Naaaakk-eeed!"

"Ewww!" Rikku squealed, covering her ears, "Ewww! Ewww! Ewww!"

"Stop saying that!" Yuna begged, while Wakka brayed with laughter.

Where was Auron in all this you ask? Well, he had been hanging out by the big potted plant by the booth. No, the one on the right. He was busily using a spine and the syrup from his shaved ice to scrawl on the back of a scrap of paper in an attempt to break the language barrier. He squeaked in annoyance at the stupidity going on around the stoic Kimahri. He scribbled a few more lines on the paper, then scooted over to Lulu.

The Black Mage was giving Tidus a scathing glare that was so concentrated you could have etched glass with it. It was downright malicious. Auron was impressed. It usually took a lifetime for a person to perfect that type of glare, and once perfected, it could instantly reform obnoxious children, make rabid animals cringe, and send grown men crying for their mothers. Lulu was truly a marvel and he almost hated to interrupt her.

Lulu released Tidus from her gaze and looked down as something tugged on the hem of her dress. Cactuar Auron executed a back flip, much to his own annoyance, and held up a folded piece of paper. The magic user took the paper, eyes scanning the writing, then looked down at Auron and nodded. She gently turned the Cactuar around and picked him up. Holding him at arm's length the Black Mage stepped around behind Tidus, who was back at teasing the two younger girls.

It was a perfect set up. Yevon couldn't have done better himself. Auron's prickly arm delivered the Hand of Justice with a side order of thorns to the back of Tidus' head.

"Naaak-owwww!" The Blitzball star howled, a sound like a leather belt striking a half deflated ball echoing briefly.

"That had spines in it!" he whined accusingly, gingerly plucking a needle from his scalp.

"We are going to the Ronso booth." Lulu said firmly. It could have ended there, but like most teens, Tidus had a defiant streak. It's an involuntary condition where teens do things just because they are told not to. It also causes the Sarcastic Retort Reflex, which makes things worse. Most of the world's arguments can be solved by simply keeping the mouth shut. Unfortunately, Ego sucker punched Common Sense and left it twitching in a corner. Tidus opened his mouth and began, "I don't want-!"

Lulu held up Auron, who held up an arm threateningly and chattered, (You want another one?) Common Sense teamed up with Self-Preservation and kicked Ego in the fork until it stopped moving. Tidus took a few steps back, shamelessly ducking behind Rikku.

"No more questions?" Lulu inquired archly. "Good. Let's go."

After luring Kimahri out of the relative shade of the shaved ice booth, Spira's heroes set off towards the Ronso booth. The stoic Ronso silently took up his customary position behind Yuna, but naked, sunburned, carrying Yuna's ginormous bunny, and holding the big pink parasol Rikku had thoughtfully provided, he was anything but imposing. Tidus trudged along beside Lulu in a sour humor. The ruby eyed mage usurped his Cactuar Carrying duties, but that was not what has bothering him. Auron had gone from being carried like a feather boa to being carried like a moogle. He has firmly wedged in the crook of Lulu's arm and in danger of being crushed by her bosom.

That's so unfair! Tidus thought grumpily, watching Auron dangle helplessly in Lulu's arms. In all the time he had known the Black Mage, he'd never gotten that close to her…attributes (except the time he had fallen on her while they were traveling on Mushroom Rock Road). And now there was Auron being practically smothered by them. Look at him, Tidus seethed, Just enjoying the ride.

As if feeling the boy's eyes on him, Auron turned his little Cactuar eyes on him. He sniggered to himself. (He looks like he's ready to explode!) he thought with malicious glee. He made sure the boy was looking at him, then reached up and carefully placed a finger under one eye.

To Auron's satisfaction, the teen bridled and shot him a reproachful glower. Auron made a show of settling in and getting comfortable. Cactuars didn't have very expressive facial features, but he managed to pull off looking smug.

"There it is!" Wakka exclaimed, whipping out the finger that he had ,only moments before, been using to pick his nose.

Not that anyone noticed, but the booger (best described as 'chewy', I.e. the state somewhere between crusty and gooey) was hurled off his finger tip by sheer momentum and landed in the hair of a teenage girl fifty feet away, where it would be discovered much later after her friends pointed it out in front of her boyfriend. She would be totally mortified, break up with her beloved, be socially and mentally scarred (because kids can't just shrug things off), be forever known as 'Booger Girl', lose her job, have no social life, be a total loser, her cat would die, and the world would end. But none of that had anything to do with Yuna and her Guardians and no one else would care anyway.

There was no mistaking a Ronso establishment. The booth was a heavy looking affair adorned with beads, feathers, and a myriad of charms (the small talismans, not the breakfast cereal) and small figurines. And Ronsos were probably the only race on Spira that would consider using the dried up remains of a Gagazet Mountain Yeti to hold the sign welcoming customers.

"Is that a Yeti?" Tidus asked Lulu, since she was the only one who ever remembered that he wasn't a Spira native. This time it was Rikku who replied,

"Yep, that's Ronso advertisement."

Almost every vendor who wants to stand out in the business world, be it a big name restaurant or a third world market stall, has a quirky sign or display that lets people know, 'Hey, I sell high quality, affordable (insert merchandise)!' Tobacco shops have their life sized carved Indian and camel meat vendors have their real camel head on a hook. And let's not forget the (as Terry Pratchett named them) ladies of negotiable affection that hang out in certain areas of every city where ever two sidewalks form a corner. It's all about advertising. Say it loudly, in a quirky, shocking, or humorous way and people will remember. Ronso advertising was as shocking as it came.

"That's…gross." Tidus replied, "It's like hanging a human foot outside a podiatrists' office." The Al Bhed girl shrugged, "Meh. It's a Ronso thing."

There was also a line longer than the line to the women's restroom at a football game during halftime. "We aren't going to actually wait in that line, are we?" Lulu asked incredulously as Yuna moved to join the long queue. "We have urgent business to take care of. We don't have time to wait in a line. Look, " She added, drawing their attention to Auron, who was squirming in her grasp. "Not even Auron wants to wait in this absurdly long line."

"That's cuz he's being slowly smothered." Someone muttered. It was followed by a strangled snort that was inexpertly covered by a cough. Lulu didn't have guess who had commented. There were only two 'Y's in the group who had a combined mental age of thirteen.

"Let's just wait our turn." Yuna replied quickly, in order to save Wakka and Tidus from what would surely be a slow, agonizing death. "It won't take too long. Look, the line seems to be moving right along. It will be our turn in no time." She said with the irritating optimism of old ladies, free spirits, imbeciles, and parents who like tormenting their children.

"Think about Kimahri, too." Lulu replied, quickly playing the Sympathy card. " Look at him," she said, gesturing with Auron at the sad looking Ronso under his burden of the Colossus and the pink umbrella. "Are you just going to let him walk around naked for the rest of the day. It gets cold at night you know."

Stuck in the mental quandary, Yuna hesitated an tried think rationally. "But…"

"What if it closes before we even get our turn? That won't be fair to Kimahri or Auron." Lulu said, knowing what Yuna was going to say. "Let's just walk up to the head of the line already."

Before any action could be taken, however, fortune smiled on the Summoner. Tahmuu Ronso handed his customer her purchases and was pausing to pick a budgerigar feather out of his teeth when he spotted Yuna. The ancient Ronso's eyes raked up the long line of less important customers, then back down to the waiting High Summoner. He barked an order to the line of patrons. Every Ronso instantly stepped out of line with a speed and smartness that would have made a hardened Drill Sergeant burst into tears of joy.

The Potion Master swept his burning gaze over the non-Ronso customers who were still standing in the broken line. They didn't look like they were in any rush to leave and strangely, the Summoner was hanging back uncertainly. The Potion Master snapped his hairy digits, and the other Ronsos immediately fell upon the remaining customers (some of which were only innocent Professional Queue-ers just doing their jobs). As bodies were flung left and right to clear the way, Yuna and her loyal companions were ushered quickly to the head of the line.

"Summoner Yuna honors Tahmuu's humble booth!" the elderly Ronso rumbled happily as he performed the short Blessing. Tahmuu Ronso was gray of fur and white of hair, but only slightly bent. He was of the 'Ye Olde Hale and Hearty' type. Everyone knows someone like this. They look like they were born old and just stopped aging around 82. Ten years later, they will still look the same.

Yuna returned the gesture. She, as a Summoner and religious figure, had to no matter what. It was A Rule. It had been particularly irritating when Tidus had figured this out. The precocious boy had spent a week popping up at random and inconvenient times to perform the Blessing just to see how Yuna would handle returning it. Then he had spent a week hiding from Kimahri after his failed attempt to try the Blessing on Yuna while she was answering the call of nature.

"What brings you to Tahmuu's booth?" the Ronso inquired. Lulu held Auron out at arm's length and said "This," then nodded at the bald Kimahri and added "And that." The graying warrior stroked his long beard, listening intently as Lulu explained the situation and the events that led up to it. He gave the two victims an uncomfortably long, calculating stare. Finally, he spoke. "This, Tahmuu can fix, Lady Summoner."

In order to prevent any other happy little Mixing accidents, Tidus was volunteered by Lulu to entertain Rikku while Tahmuu worked. Thus, under the guise of playing a few more carnival games before leaving, Tidus led Rikku away. After extensively studying Kimahri and Auron, Tahmuu entered his booth and began busily collecting Potions and other ingredients, then deposited everything on the small work bench in a corner. Yuna and her remaining Guardians watched with interest as the aging Ronso paused every so often, holding a decanter of mixings, to eye Kimahri or Auron before deciding to, or against adding ingredients. Strange glowing liquids fizzed and bubbled in a network of flasks and tubes on the bench (it was mostly colored water and fizzy tabs, but people expected to see strange and mysterious things bubbling in flasks). The atmosphere was heavy and tense as the Potion Master grimly sniffed, tasted, and added to his concoction. At one point, he scratched up a few fleas from behind Kimahri's ears, and plucked several needles from Auron's head to add to the respective potions.

The Guardians looked on in awe. All except Wakka. He snorted as Tahmuu gave the Cactuar a calculating stare before digging a dried up lizard out of a box and rubbing it on the bottom of his callused foot before dropping it into the bubbling broth.

"Pssssst! Lu!" the islander hissed, doing what was known as the Standing Lean. This is where the body leans, but the feet stay fixed (You know, like in Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal" video?).

"I don't think this guy has any idea what he's doing!" Wakka whispered from his gravity-defying stance. "He's just throwing a bunch of stuff together!" Lulu replied with an appalled hiss of "Shhhh!" and a sharp jab to his ribs with one of her wickedly sharp elbows, which made him wobble like one of those clown-shaped punching bags.

"It may look like that to you," the Mage replied archly " But he is a Master and created the formulas to every Potion, Remedy, and Cure we have today. He knows exactly what he's doing."

She turned back to watching Tahmuu, who was once again testing his work. The leonine humanoid stepped back from the bench and stared intently at his progress. Something was missing.

The Ronso tapped the yellowing stump of what could only loosely still be considered a fang and did some mental calculations. With a satisfied nod, the Potions Master bent back over his work (with only a slight creaking of the spinal column). He made a stomach desiccating series of snorts, gurgles, and hacks. Then, plugging up one crusty nostril with a finger, shot a nose rocket into each decanter.

Wakka turned to Lulu. He didn't have to say a word, but the look in his eyes and the set of his mouth shouted, I told you so! Lulu let the man dream. Everyone knew that Ronso snot was the main ingredient in most of their Potions and Remedies. It was good to let them think they were right every once in a while.

Tahmuu presented the finished Potions to Yuna with a slightly arthritic bow. The one labeled 'Cactuar' was purple with tiny golden pinpoints of light winking in its depths. It looked like what you would get if a pixie threw up. The one marked 'Ronso' was a clear innocuous looking fluid that, against all logic, was belching pink smoke.

Yuna thanked the old Ronso profusely. "Let's cure Kimahri first." the kind, gentle Summoner suggested (but only because she could no longer stand to look at a 7 foot tall naked cat). The stoic Ronso set down his burden of giant stuffed rabbit and stood in the patch of open ground in front of the booth. Sensing that something Big was about to happen, a crowd appeared round them.

Kimahri suppressed the urge to flinch as the Potion was tossed on him and the crowd 'oooohed' in suspense as a cloud of smoke bloomed around him. The Ronso was feeling relieved as the crowed began to cheer and clap until he glanced down. Yes, he had fur again, but the problem was the color. It was a happy shade of pink more suited to babies and candy. Kimahri felt like all he needed was a paper cone to shove up his rear and he would look like a walking stick of cotton candy, but Ronso pride forced him to hold his head high and march back to Yuna.

Kimahri felt a little better as Yuna said,

"It doesn't look bad, Kimahri. At least it isn't a festive pink. It's more a dusty rose pink." Kimahri scowled down at her, then patted her on the head to show that he appreciated her words, even if they were a blatant lie.

"I think it makes him look huggable." Rikku chirped. Kimahri sighed, resigning himself to looking like a giant stuffed animal.

To the Ronso's utter horror, he found himself surrounded by females of various races all wanting a snuggle. He cast a desperate look towards Yuna as the females formed a line and handed the person nearest him, who happened to be Wakka, gil just to hug him. They didn't even count it and he nearly jumped out of his skin when a very elderly human female tucked several gil into his loincloth.

Yuna turned and whispered something to Lulu, who smiled horribly and stepped forward. The Black Mage had no intention of Dispelling the fawning crowd, however. Kimahri was making a ton of gil, and Lulu was no dummy. She commandeered a nearby booth by means of promising the owner that Bad Things would happen to him if he didn't move out immediately. Thus the 'Hug a Ronso' booth was born. Yuna gave her Ronso an apologetic look.

"Sorry," Tahmuu said as Yuna gave him a questioning look. "It's a side-effect of the Potion. Color will change after a few days." he reassured her.

"What's the side effect of Auron's Potion?" Wakka asked curiously. The Potion Master scratched an ear and replied. "Might be bad diarrhea."

Out of morbid fascination the red-haired blitz ball captain could not stop from asking, "How bad?" to which the Ronso answered "The term 'blast radius' will apply."

It was Auron's turn next, and it was about time. He scooted out to the open space, doing several back flips in anticipation. Yuna dropped his coat on top of him so he wouldn't be nak…na…in the nuddy when he came back. Issues concerning public indecency resolved, the Summoner moved out of the way and tossed the sparkly purple potion at her Cactuar Guardian.

At that moment, Chance decided it needed a good gut-busting laugh. Rikku and Tidus pounded through the crowds. After spending 20gil at the Bobbing for Bunyips booth (and chipping a tooth) Tidus had won a Chocobo Cap. It was a beaked and feathery affair that made the wearer look like their head was being swallowed from behind. Rikku was gamely keeping pace despite her burden of Sham's Uberduper Nachos. It was two pounds of crispy corn-based chips smothered in cheese, ground Coerul, and nuclear strength peppers.

They weren't running because they were eager to get back in time to watch their fellow Guardians' restorations (Tidus had been ordered to keep Rikku away, if you've forgotten), no, they were running because of the Ronso habit of chasing anything fluttery, dangly, feathery, or small and squeaky. In this case, Tidus' hat had fired up the Stalk Instinct in every Ronso within sight and they were now fleeing from a sizeable crowd of Ronso.

The horde of leaping, bounding Ronso was only somewhat slowed down by the various boxes, prizes, and people Tidus flung in its path. The kids' Chocobo Rides (5gil) dissolved into panic as the normally docile Chocobos flapped away in terror, some with children hanging on for dear life. Luckily for Tidus and Rikku, the playful Ronsos were distracted by the fleeing Chocobos and they were able to escape.

Yevon, or who ever was now filling in the position of religious deity, must have been laughing his/her incorporeal butt off as the two Guardians ran into the clearing. As they burst through the onlookers, Rikku tripped over the staff of a life-sized Ronso statue of Yuna (which as promised, had been carved with a 'grand horn on head').

Two pounds of nacho-y goodness flew out of the girl's hands, cheese sauce forming an impressive tail for the crunchy missile, to disappear into the purple cloud surrounding Auron. It was followed by the blood chilling call of "Whooopsie!"

Blue and pink lights flashed in the depths of the cloud and something went '_whizz_!' When the smoke cleared the crowd cheered as Auron was revealed. The Legendary Guardian slowly opened his eye and glanced around. He casually dusted his sleeves and adjusted his sunglasses, not wanting to diminish his cool factor by frantically patting himself down to make sure he was back to normal. He did a quick mental inventory: Arms instead of stumps? Check. Blood instead of chlorophyll? Check. An actual face? Check.

Satisfied, he turned and swaggered off into the sunset, his theme playing in the background. Rikku looked at Wakka, who looked at Yuna. The Summoner shrugged helplessly and glanced at Kimahri, who was no help since he was still having gil practically thrown at him. Tidus gave Lulu a questioning look.

"Shouldn't someone, you know…tell him?"

The Black Mage shook her head.

Sometimes it was just better to leave things alone. He would find out soon enough. So, without a word, Yuna and her loyal companions gathered their things and set off after Auron as he swaggered ahead of them, a Ronso horn on his forehead.

End.

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Sorry, but the Hug a Ronso booth is now closed for the summer. Thanks for your patronage. All proceeds will go to the Loincloths for Underprivilaged Ronsos Foundation. Oh, Yeah, NAAAAK-EEEEEEEDD!!


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